It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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