His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
