Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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