I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
