Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
