I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
