OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
