I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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