it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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