I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
