I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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