I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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