I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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