Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
