I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize