Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
