Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
