Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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