fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
