Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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