the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is it penis luge time yet?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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