he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Let's get the cat blown out
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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