if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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