If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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