stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
