I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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