Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
