My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
it glows. i had to have it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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