I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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