Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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