the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
