I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
