Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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