so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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