I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
