I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize