I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
