if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
