Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
