Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
