one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
