have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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