Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she told me i tasted like america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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