Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize