Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
