If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
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We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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