Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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