he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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