You can't motorboat a personality
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
