I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
