I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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