I could make wine with my vomit
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
