She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
