Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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