um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
