I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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